By Kelly Pelletier, LICSW CEIS
Regional Clinical Supervisor at Pariva Health
Adults often interpret children’s distraction, avoidance, or restlessness as misbehavior. But what if we’re wrong?
Behavior is a form of communication. Children almost always use those behaviors to express an unmet need, whether sensory, executive function-related, or communicative. Understanding this is the first and most essential step for any caregiver or teacher.
What to look for:
- Sensory Needs: Hunger, thirst, need for movement. The goal is to meet the need, not eliminate it.
- Social & Emotional: Difficulty socializing, or feeling anxious or overwhelmed.
- Executive Function: Needs support with focus, planning, or regulation — alongside increasing independence and challenges.
Research in attachment science and co-regulation supports what many caregivers already sense intuitively: Children learn to manage their emotions through their relationships, not in spite of them.
When a calm, attuned adult is present, a child’s nervous system has a model to follow. Recognizing and accepting neurodiversity is part of this, too; it allows us to meet children where they are rather than where we expect them to be.
Support Vs. Enabling: An Important Distinction
Meeting a child’s unmet need is not the same as excusing behavior or lowering expectations.
This is a common and understandable concern. The distinction lies in intention: We are not removing challenges; we are removing unnecessary barriers so the child can engage with those challenges.
Support looks like offering movement before a focused task; enabling looks like avoiding the task altogether. The goal is always to build capacity, not bypass it.
The Power to Reflect & Validate
When we pause to reflect and validate a child’s experience, we communicate something vital: Their feelings matter, and we see them. This isn’t just comforting — it teaches children that being human is okay, that struggling is okay, and that support is available. It also shows that we believe they can do hard things and that we will be there through the difficulty — not just around it.
When caregivers — parents and teachers alike — embrace connection and approach behavior with curiosity rather than judgment, children develop:
- A stronger ability to learn and stay engaged.
- Better emotional regulation over time.
- Healthier, more resilient self-esteem.
Caregiving is stressful. This approach is not about being perfect — it is about being present, curious, and connected. And it starts with you: a grounded, regulated caregiver is one of the most powerful tools a child has. When we tend to our own needs alongside theirs, we model the very emotional intelligence we want them to learn.
Before responding to a behavior next time, pause and ask: “What might this child need right now?” That one question, asked with genuine curiosity, can change everything — for them, and for you.
Additional questions that can help:
- When did this behavior start, and what changed in their environment or routine?
- Is there a sensory, emotional, or cognitive need I haven’t addressed yet?
- Am I regulated enough right now to respond rather than react?
- What support would help this child engage — without removing the challenge?
Pariva Health has helped over 25,000 families and counting — find out more about the special ways in which we empower families of neurodivergent children, offering hope and help, with lots of play and no wait list.